09/09/2019  Dipping my toes in... 

I haven’t even finished my initial ‘scan’ of the Module Handbook and already my perspective of my own practice has completely changed. Actually…perhaps it has just been stripped back and is now bare and ready to be ‘redressed’. The uncertainty and insecurity of not having a set definition or way of describing my practise was a huge worry when I initially accepted my place on the course. I so desperately like things to be ordered and ‘neat’, this sense of being able to control or being in control so central to soothe my own insecurity.

 I remember my nervousness when I was interviewed for the first year of my studies. The course was titled ‘Fine Arts and Contemporary Culture’ yet I found myself admitting to the course leader that I could not draw or paint. Rather than respond with the typical ‘everyone can draw and paint’ response, the leader told me that they understood what I meant, that it didn’t matter and that the creative arts were so so much more than a set of grounded techniques and processes to create a desired outcome. Despite its title, I did not learn ‘fine art’ on the course in the traditional sense, yet I gained a much deeper appreciation for the importance of the creative process, in whatever form, to those who engage it it as well as culture. I realised that my eagerness and openness to a range of processes was far more important than my ability to perfect a certain technique. Rather than focus on one art form, I wanted to experience as many creative methods as possible so I could then use these as tools to engage with others and unlock their own creativity in ways beneficial to their specific needs. I felt like an empty TV, gradually tuning into new channels and becoming more and more able to show a range of content. There were restrictions to my capabilities and depth of knowledge but that doesn’t prevent the user from being able to view the basics and begin to form their own interpretations and reactions to it. 

  This first year of the degree gave me to space to be experimental, to challenge myself and begin to disseminate this beyond the boundaries of the studio. In fact, I began to think of my studio as much more than just a physical space. Much of my work was interdisciplinary and often quite diverse. Despite still lacking confidence in showing others any creations, I had gained so much more appreciation for the value of the process and had enjoyed the opportunities I had been given over the year without the pressure of having to be perfect, orderly or defined. This also enabled me to discover capabilities I never knew I possessed before, but which I could use to benefit others. These small discoveries all contributed to my confidence in calling myself an ‘artist’….and seeing everyone and everything else as an artist too! 

  Having to gain some sense of composure in year two meant another daunting start. This journey was quite different, and forced me to focus far more deeply on certain aspects of my practise. Despite this, I was able to remain open and realised it was OK to not have to BE everything in one go, and that one has the ability to zoom in on specific parts of a much wider picture without discarding it entirely. It was this that enabled me to discover which particular aspects I could use more in the practical sense…day-to-day. I began focusing more on participatory work within communities and used textiles and language as my main tools to engage others in the creative process. Whilst others may have been producing breathtaking paintings or sculptures, I had nothing similar to show for my creative time and presented a portfolio of interactions for my ‘final piece’. Although this was encouraged by my tutors and a perfectly acceptable ‘art form’ in their eyes, it still left me feeling inadequate compared to peers, as if I hadn’t put as much effort or thought into the work when in fact it had been the centre of my day-to-day life for as long as I could remember. Working with communities in both the voluntary and paid capacity is something I had always been engaged in, in many settings. Now I was more able to appreciate the potential of these opportunities and interactions and make them far more meaningful for others I encountered. 

  The thought of focusing on a ‘final piece’ or physical outcome that can be displayed in the context of an ‘exhibition’ or ‘degree show’ wasn’t something I felt would benefit my practise. The experience would be valuable, as every experience is, but I was eager that my learning journey during my degree studies be as fruitful as possible. I didn’t want to simply gain a piece of paper or ‘graduate’ and suddenly be thrust into a world I could not navigate or find my own place within. I wanted to remain open in my day-to-day life, to make new encounters and just BE. I now knew my practise was often a natural occurrence, the result of these unplanned encounters and could only really be defined on a project-project basis. Hence why this study route appealed to me. 

I have neglected to mention another, more personal, reason for wanting to re-enter distance learning. I really struggle socially, and often feel exhausted after being in the company of others. Thats not to say I don’t enjoy it, I do…I may do all I can to avoid certain situations that make me feel uncomfortable (yes, thats bad I know!) but I do find once I’m in the presence of others I really do enjoy my time with them. I love to help anyone and everyone who needs it, the majority of my face-to-face life being through creative work within the community. However, the safety of being a student shielded by a geographical ‘screen’ for the duration of the course does have a rather tempting appeal too. Yes…I know…guilty. 

  I might not be the most visible student, the most vocal or interactive, but that won’t mean I am not engaged and want to be just as much as part of our student cohort as I can be. The length of some of my posts will probably bore most others but it seems that blogging is one of my preferred methods to communicate much of what is going through my mind. I will try to keep them brief though. 

Anyway, back to the point. As far as defining my practice…well I guess I’ve failed already but now I know that that isn’t what the tutors are looking for. That practise can be uncertain and indefinable at times and this is OK. There is no right or wrong. I cannot articulate how much relief I felt when I realised that this course didn’t need me to be anything specific. I can continue to practise in the way that I do, which I’m slowly realising is just through being….through living life and being me…the challenge will be discovering myself. Practise, for me, is not hard work or even work at all, it is just life. An integral mode of being that blurs the boundaries between personal time and professional. Ethics are so integral to my overall being that the thought of exploring them more deeply through the next module greatly excites me. 

I must stop writing now…dribble dribble dribble. Sorry for the length. Congratulations if you made it this far! I look forward to reading about the work of others and am eager to discover the creative practises of fellow students and tutors on this course over the forthcoming year.

Amy 

TODAYS FAVOURITE POST LINK: https://noisejoy11.blogspot.com/2018/03/is-fun-allowed.html (I hope you don’t mind me sharing this link, but sometimes things are too good not to share and this was definitely something I resonated with today)